150. How to Get Over Yourself and Play for Something Big with Tripp Lanier the author of “This Book Will Make You Dangerous”
On Episode 150 of The Beyond Adversity Podcast, Dr. Brad Miller goes deep with author and coach Tripp Lanier about his book “This Book Will Make You Dangerous”
As a Professional Coach, Tripp Lanier has spent thousands of hours coaching people all around the world to get out of the rat race, become an authority in their field, and make a great living doing the work they were put on this earth to do. Over the years he’s designed several businesses to support a simple lifestyle focused on freedom, ease, meaning, and fun.
As Host of The New Man Podcast Tripp Lanier has conducted hundreds of interviews with experts and authors from all walks of life including:
Tim Ferriss (The 4 Hour Workweek, The 4 Hour Body, The 4 Hour Chef)
Laird Hamilton (Big wave surfing legend)
Ryan Holiday (The Obstacle is the Way, The Ego is the Enemy, The Daily Stoic)
As a Human Guinea Pig Tripp has thrown himself into everything from 10 day silent meditation retreats to plant medicine journeys to men’s groups in the Costa Rican jungle to somatic sex intensives in his bedroom to drinks with Zen masters — He even learned some life lessons by hanging out backstage with David Lee Roth.
In this in-depth conversation with Dr. Brad Miller Tripp discusses the importance of identifying and overcoming resistance in order to get out of your own way as a process of challenging our fears and achieve personal potential.
The Beyond Adversity Podcast is published weekly by Dr. Brad Miller for the purpose of helping people to navigate personal adversity and achieve a life of peace, prosperity, and purpose.
https://www.tripplanier.com/about/
https://www.thenewmanpodcast.com
Transcript
We have a great author with us today, Tripp
Brad Miller:Lanier is the author of this book will make you dangerous.
Brad Miller:And he also publishes the new man podcast, which is all about
Brad Miller:learning to take small steps to make big changes in your life.
Brad Miller:And the subheading, which I'm gonna love to get into with for
Brad Miller:his book is The irreverent guide for men who refuse to settle. So
Brad Miller:we're gonna talk about refusing to settle here. But Tripp,
Brad Miller:welcome to our podcast today.
Tripp Lanier:Thanks, Brad. I appreciate the opportunity.
Tripp Lanier:Awesome, it
Brad Miller:is great to have you with us. And you've got an
Brad Miller:intriguing title of your book. And I've looked through it. And
Brad Miller:although it says it's a guide for men, I think men and women
Brad Miller:can get some good things out of this by refusing to settle. But
Brad Miller:I'm really interested in your story of a man about what are
Brad Miller:some things that you refuse to settle about? What were some
Brad Miller:adversity you may have faced, and just told you a little bit
Brad Miller:your story about how you came to write this book?
Tripp Lanier:How did I come to write this book, I went through
Tripp Lanier:a pretty, let's say, dramatic period in my 20s, where I had
Tripp Lanier:created so much of what I've set out to do, I was very fortunate
Tripp Lanier:in that regard, and then came to a realization that this wasn't
Tripp Lanier:what it was gonna be, you know, I was asking these questions
Tripp Lanier:like, now what is this really is this what the big, the big thing
Tripp Lanier:was. And so I realized that being chasing more creature
Tripp Lanier:comforts, trying to just go after more money, or trying to
Tripp Lanier:be more important or more significant, wasn't really
Tripp Lanier:making me happier. And I, I didn't, I couldn't put it into
Tripp Lanier:those terms at the time, but I just felt like something was
Tripp Lanier:definitely missing. And so that going from that process of
Tripp Lanier:questioning the life that I was living at that time to creating
Tripp Lanier:an another version of that, and aligning the work, aligning my
Tripp Lanier:relationships, I you know, I was hiding out, essentially, I was I
Tripp Lanier:was in the closet, so to speak about so much of the beliefs
Tripp Lanier:that I had, or the values that I had, or what at the work that I
Tripp Lanier:really wanted to do. And so I was playing a role in order to
Tripp Lanier:be successful, I was playing a role in order to maintain my
Tripp Lanier:relationship. And it was not very fulfilling was, it was
Tripp Lanier:very, it was a drag it was it felt like a trap felt like it
Tripp Lanier:felt very draining. And so I just said enough, I don't want
Tripp Lanier:to settle for this. And so the process, from that point forward
Tripp Lanier:is, has been, you know, kind of what's unraveled in this book,
Tripp Lanier:or what I talk about in this book, but this book is
Tripp Lanier:essentially what I wish I could have read 20 something years
Tripp Lanier:ago, where it's got a sense of humor, it's irreverent. But it's
Tripp Lanier:also got some deep, meaningful pieces in there as well.
Brad Miller:Yeah, well, in that process, you mentioned a number
Brad Miller:of things you were searching for, and you know, thought you'd
Brad Miller:accomplish some great things, which I'm sure you did, and some
Brad Miller:in many regards of what what people would consider to be
Brad Miller:successful. But was there a kind of defining moment, any event, a
Brad Miller:person, something that happened, that was really kind of flipped
Brad Miller:the switch for you? It's it. Okay, that's it, I got to do
Brad Miller:something different here. Now.
Tripp Lanier:I don't know if there was so much a switch or a
Tripp Lanier:moment, but it was just recognizing there's there's more
Tripp Lanier:to life than feeling lost or stuck or drained or essentially
Tripp Lanier:playing it safe. That was that that was what I realized was
Tripp Lanier:happening for me at the time that I was orienting my life
Tripp Lanier:around, what do I do so that I'm not uncomfortable? What do I do
Tripp Lanier:so that I don't feel at risk that I don't put my time or
Tripp Lanier:energy and money at risk? And what do I do so that I don't
Tripp Lanier:look like a moron. And I find that when most people talk to me
Tripp Lanier:about, hey, I want to have a life purpose. And I want to find
Tripp Lanier:my purpose, and we've already got one, then typically, most of
Tripp Lanier:the time, if we really look at the purpose behind all of our
Tripp Lanier:actions, day to day, it's not very romantic. It's not very
Tripp Lanier:important. It's not what usually what we want to see about
Tripp Lanier:ourselves, but essentially, we're just going through our day
Tripp Lanier:asking ourselves, what do I do so that I'm not uncomfortable?
Tripp Lanier:What do I do that I don't waste my time or energy or money? And
Tripp Lanier:what do I do so that I don't so that people don't criticize me
Tripp Lanier:or call me out?
Brad Miller:Yeah. A big theme of your book is this tension
Brad Miller:between avoiding things, avoiding things that bring
Brad Miller:stress in our life and choosing to confront them? And what are
Brad Miller:some of the ways that you think either you or you advise for
Brad Miller:folks to take some bold action in their life in order to break
Brad Miller:through this, this sense of complacency that you describe?
Tripp Lanier:First and foremost, we're really
Tripp Lanier:unconscious. I say myself, and I said, most of the people that I
Tripp Lanier:work with on a daily basis in my coaching practice, and these are
Tripp Lanier:people that we may see from the outside, we look at them and we
Tripp Lanier:say, wow, that that person has really got their stuff together.
Tripp Lanier:They've done some some amazing things. But in their own life,
Tripp Lanier:they don't. They recognize they're not at their edge or
Tripp Lanier:they're, they're playing it safe in some way. So the idea of just
Tripp Lanier:being able to compare yourself to others and be like, well, I'm
Tripp Lanier:making more money than that person, or I'm, you know, I've
Tripp Lanier:got greater status than this other thing, or I'm, you know,
Tripp Lanier:better than my brother, I'm farther along than my father was
Tripp Lanier:at this point. Those are lousy indicators. But first and
Tripp Lanier:foremost, we're just lousy at being able to figure out what's
Tripp Lanier:actually dangerous in our lives, we've evolved to the point where
Tripp Lanier:what feels dangerous these days is, I don't know where the
Tripp Lanier:remote control is. I don't know where to get off my button,
Tripp Lanier:change the channel, like, Oh, no, the Wi Fi is down. Like,
Tripp Lanier:that's what, you know,
Brad Miller:how lucky are we first world problems that some
Brad Miller:of us who have been in third world countries, sometimes
Brad Miller:identify that type of type of thing is,
Tripp Lanier:yeah, and I love it. Like, how fortunate are we
Tripp Lanier:to that this is for most of us. These? Are these the types of
Tripp Lanier:things that start to stress us out now? Is that really the big
Tripp Lanier:deal that I'm dealing with, that I'm working with, with people?
Tripp Lanier:No, it's not. But it, it helps us see a mindset that it is
Tripp Lanier:using success as a way to avoid discomfort, once and for all,
Tripp Lanier:using using success as a means to escape some kind of financial
Tripp Lanier:uncertainty once and for all. It Same thing with status once and
Tripp Lanier:for all. There's this trap that I'm going to find this finish
Tripp Lanier:line. And I'll be done once and for all. And I think that
Tripp Lanier:approach is what's making us weak, we're not getting
Tripp Lanier:stronger, if we look at look at the lives of our grandparents,
Tripp Lanier:and their grandparents before them the amount of adversity
Tripp Lanier:that they faced on a daily basis, not just a big moment or
Tripp Lanier:a big event, but the amount of things that they had to deal
Tripp Lanier:with. They normalize it, they adapted to it. And we're
Tripp Lanier:adapting to a very soft world, and I'm not a person, I love my
Tripp Lanier:comfort. I love all the nice things that I have in my world.
Tripp Lanier:But I understand that it's a trap to believe that seeking
Tripp Lanier:more comfort and seeking more safety, and seeking more status
Tripp Lanier:is going to help me feel x once and for all.
Brad Miller:I think it's you're making some great points there.
Brad Miller:I noticed one of the chapters in your book is success, making us
Brad Miller:weak. And I think this is where a lot of people want to try to
Brad Miller:come up with things to say how can they be stronger, better,
Brad Miller:faster, this type of thing. And then with Roadblock, eight
Brad Miller:adversity, a problem will happen, such as the common
Brad Miller:thing, we're recording this in the middle of July 2020, of this
Brad Miller:COVID virus, which is literally impact the entire world and made
Brad Miller:everyone to adjust. Some people have adjusted better than
Brad Miller:others. Many people I think, who were used to these creature
Brad Miller:comforts, maybe haven't as well as some others. But it all those
Brad Miller:are gonna hit these blocks Aren't we all of us are going to
Brad Miller:hit some sort of a roadblock or some sort of a problem that
Brad Miller:happens. And if we're not prepared for it, it can really
Brad Miller:devastate us.
Tripp Lanier:And some of the stuff we can't really prepare
Tripp Lanier:ourselves for, you know, when we when we if you think about the
Tripp Lanier:things that we're complaining about today, the you know, this
Tripp Lanier:afternoon, we could get a terrible phone call, right or
Tripp Lanier:next week, we could get a terrible diagnosis. And we would
Tripp Lanier:want to have today's problems. Right, we would gladly trade
Tripp Lanier:whatever is making us miserable today for, you know, to get out
Tripp Lanier:of what what may happen later this afternoon or next week,
Tripp Lanier:right? So it's about putting these things in perspective, I
Tripp Lanier:think this is the importance of a gratitude practice, is to come
Tripp Lanier:back and start to train our minds to look for the things
Tripp Lanier:that are going well. It's not about sticking our head in the
Tripp Lanier:sand about in avoiding what isn't going well. But it's like,
Tripp Lanier:yeah, some things could be improved. But gosh, look at how
Tripp Lanier:well think some things are going. And in being able to
Tripp Lanier:appreciate that the things that are rocking my shoe right now
Tripp Lanier:are there are wonderful problems to have. And I think it also
Tripp Lanier:prepares us to see that what is truly a challenge in our lives
Tripp Lanier:that we can find that that intestinal fortitude and in
Tripp Lanier:remember just how strong we are. Because most of us are because
Tripp Lanier:we don't face adversity, we don't challenge ourselves on a
Tripp Lanier:regular basis that if our lives are back to this purpose of
Tripp Lanier:avoiding things, I call it a prey mentality. We're constantly
Tripp Lanier:avoiding things. And we never get to test ourselves and
Tripp Lanier:realize, you know what, I can go through this. I've trained for
Tripp Lanier:this, I put myself into situations and I challenged
Tripp Lanier:myself, I can call on things that are bigger than myself, in
Tripp Lanier:order to help me go through that. But if life is just about
Tripp Lanier:avoiding things and running away from things, then inevitably we
Tripp Lanier:become more and more fragile.
Brad Miller:You mentioned about calling on something bigger than
Brad Miller:yourself in gratitude practices and things of that nature. I'm a
Brad Miller:believer that when we have these adversities come our way. And it
Brad Miller:can be the gradual thing that you're talking about, or it can
Brad Miller:be a major like I've got a phone call a couple weeks ago that my
Brad Miller:personal secretary was killed in a car crash and that rocked my
Brad Miller:world. You know, all that took our breath away. For the people
Brad Miller:who were to work with her woman just totally unexpected. But
Brad Miller:what I'm getting at here Is You said that you can try to draw on
Brad Miller:these, this inner strength? But there could be a source of that.
Brad Miller:I'm just curious, how do you find that inner strength? What
Brad Miller:is I believe there's a source of power? There's a you go
Brad Miller:someplace greater than yourself? Do you go deep within yourself?
Brad Miller:Do you read good books? Do you have meditation practices? What
Brad Miller:are some ways that you look to gain the source of power or
Brad Miller:strength to make these changes?
Tripp Lanier:I think this is it's a practice. It's a
Tripp Lanier:practice. And I encourage anybody and everybody to find
Tripp Lanier:what works for you. Just because it works for somebody else
Tripp Lanier:doesn't mean it's going to work for you. So let's turn it, let's
Tripp Lanier:turn the stones over, let's see, let's see if XYZ works for you.
Tripp Lanier:And understand that there are no immediate, we can't expect
Tripp Lanier:immediate results for things. So I'm, I'm a proponent, like
Tripp Lanier:whatever gets you down the river, I want to support you in
Tripp Lanier:that whatever has you feel more expansive, more loving, more
Tripp Lanier:free, more connected to others, I'm all for it. And so from that
Tripp Lanier:regard, it helps us to tap into that inner sense of knowing an
Tripp Lanier:inner sense of authority, not as something that sees ourselves as
Tripp Lanier:separate from others as somewhat as something that is bigger than
Tripp Lanier:ourselves. This is where I see this as a problem with us. As we
Tripp Lanier:become more and more independent in the world, we cut ourselves
Tripp Lanier:off, we see ourselves as separate. And I think there's a
Tripp Lanier:there's a point of diminishing returns there, when we don't
Tripp Lanier:understand that we're also part of something larger than
Tripp Lanier:ourselves, and that we can tap into that. But that's a
Tripp Lanier:practice, we have to learn how to how to how to lean into those
Tripp Lanier:things, talk to people talk to friends, be able to access
Tripp Lanier:different parts of ourselves that are bigger than our fears.
Tripp Lanier:Most of the time, when I'm working with a client, the worst
Tripp Lanier:fear that they have is anticipating the event. But then
Tripp Lanier:once they're in it, they realize they've got a resource of tools
Tripp Lanier:and strength that they didn't, they didn't access that they
Tripp Lanier:didn't have access to before. And then also, it's just a place
Tripp Lanier:where you call on people that you love, and then have your
Tripp Lanier:back and to build that kind of support in that community. And
Tripp Lanier:if it works for you, and it works for your philosophy, then
Tripp Lanier:there's something even larger than that.
Brad Miller:You think you're calling on what you're talking
Brad Miller:about here? Do you think there's a spiritual element involved or
Brad Miller:something of that framework?
Tripp Lanier:I think that it would be silly to cut ourselves
Tripp Lanier:off from something that is larger than ourselves, right?
Tripp Lanier:The mystery of all that is, and so I to negate that in to just
Tripp Lanier:close the door on that seems silly. That's my personal
Tripp Lanier:opinion, to be able to name what that is. I'm not in the position
Tripp Lanier:to do that. But to but to be open to that. And to be curious
Tripp Lanier:to that then yes, I'm fully open and curious about that question.
Brad Miller:And one of the aspects I comes to mind is some
Brad Miller:of the reading and some of the writing I've done is with the
Brad Miller:concept trip sometimes called the third person, which is the
Brad Miller:third person you know, is basically if you and I are
Brad Miller:having a conversation, I'm one person, you're the other person.
Brad Miller:But if there's some sort of a synergy or relationship built,
Brad Miller:that is almost a an A entity in some ways in and of itself. We
Brad Miller:build something new here and take what I'm talking about when
Brad Miller:you say that you want to make yourself dangerous or this book
Brad Miller:will make you dangerous. It's about finding some places to go
Brad Miller:within ourselves in order to build meaningful relationships
Brad Miller:with others and for ourselves. I'd like to go out here to
Brad Miller:relationships now a little bit with your trip, like personal
Brad Miller:relationships, intimate relationships in terms of our
Brad Miller:spouse or children or other meaningful persons that are
Brad Miller:alive what is the role of meaningful relationships loving
Brad Miller:caring, deep emotional relationships and helping us to
Brad Miller:become dangerous as you would say or to get through this
Brad Miller:process?
Tripp Lanier:Let's frame what dangers is right? We've been
Tripp Lanier:throwing that word around let's most of us most of us if we're
Tripp Lanier:going through life we can seemingly have it all we can
Tripp Lanier:look at our lives and we go gosh, I've got the house and I
Tripp Lanier:got the car and I got the job I got the husband I got the wife I
Tripp Lanier:got the kids I got all this kind of stuff but my experience Hmm
Tripp Lanier:What am I actually feeling I might be feeling trapped like
Tripp Lanier:I've got nowhere to go there's this is it I've reached a glass
Tripp Lanier:ceiling I might be feeling drained like up same thing every
Tripp Lanier:day. I might be feeling even though there's lots of people in
Tripp Lanier:my life, I might feel isolated, that I can't share the things
Tripp Lanier:that are important to me, I can't talk about my deep beliefs
Tripp Lanier:or my emotions or, or whatever that might be. Or it might just
Tripp Lanier:be lacking peace of mind in some way. I might just be chronically
Tripp Lanier:bored or in a perpetual state of overwhelm. So why is that
Tripp Lanier:important? Because those are usually indicators that we are
Tripp Lanier:playing it safe. We're confining ourselves, we may want to blame
Tripp Lanier:this or that or whatever. But I'm a big proponent of taking
Tripp Lanier:full responsibility for our experience. And so if we're
Tripp Lanier:tired of feeling trapped, if we're feeling tired of feeling
Tripp Lanier:drained or isolated or bored, over Well, but it's, it's
Tripp Lanier:really, it's a wonderful place to start to say, I'm 100%
Tripp Lanier:responsible for that. So I want the opposite of that. I want to
Tripp Lanier:feel free. I want to feel alive, I want to feel deep connection,
Tripp Lanier:deep love, I want to feel peace of mind. That's so what am I
Tripp Lanier:going to do about that? And part of that question can mean, what
Tripp Lanier:am I going to ask? What am I going to ask if something larger
Tripp Lanier:than myself, but ultimately, it's up to me, I can only point
Tripp Lanier:the finger so much, and blame the outside world so much. And
Tripp Lanier:so I want to start from that place. When we're playing it
Tripp Lanier:safe. We those are the indicators that we're playing
Tripp Lanier:safe, that we feel trapped or drained or isolated, or bored or
Tripp Lanier:overwhelmed. So when it comes back to relationships, most of
Tripp Lanier:the time, we can be stuck in relationship, we can feel alone
Tripp Lanier:in our relationships, we can feel like they don't go very
Tripp Lanier:deep. And most of the times because we're playing it safe,
Tripp Lanier:like I said, we're unwilling to ask deeper questions. We're
Tripp Lanier:unwilling to share something that is true about us. Here's
Tripp Lanier:what I deeply care about. Here's what's a big concern. But here's
Tripp Lanier:something I'm wondering about, here's something I I'm scared
Tripp Lanier:of, we're afraid to open those doors and reveal who we truly
Tripp Lanier:are. But without that accessibility, we're not going
Tripp Lanier:to have that connection. And without that connection, then
Tripp Lanier:the relationships or they're not meaningful, they're not
Tripp Lanier:satisfying enough fulfilling.
Brad Miller:So the dangerous part is being vulnerable enough
Brad Miller:with someone else to go to some of those deeper places be a
Brad Miller:truth teller and a truth listener in that process, as
Brad Miller:well. And that goes, That's by nature uncomfortable. And you're
Brad Miller:saying, We're our go to thing for most of us his comfort,
Brad Miller:right? Yeah, I
Tripp Lanier:look and I don't want to look weird, you're gonna
Tripp Lanier:think I'm weird. If I bring this up,
Brad Miller:whoo, and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah, no,
Brad Miller:that's a big part of what you write in your book is his sense
Brad Miller:of being ridiculed and things like that. And so, so let's go
Brad Miller:there for a little bit, I know that you talk about in your
Brad Miller:book, about not only being bold, but to expect resistance. Tell
Brad Miller:me about resistance, in terms of how you characterize it. Both no
Brad Miller:resistance, which is there are maybe even external, you know,
Brad Miller:that it does happen. When someone says that I, you know, I
Brad Miller:want to go on a retreat for a few days, you know, something
Brad Miller:like this for spiritual enlightenment or with my wife,
Brad Miller:or whatever other people may, you know, throw that out the
Brad Miller:window, tell me about resistance, and how this is a
Brad Miller:part of this battle to become dangerous.
Tripp Lanier:As a coach, the most insidious force that I come
Tripp Lanier:up against is resistance. And the form of resistance that I
Tripp Lanier:see most often is the is the form that resides between our
Tripp Lanier:ears. It's this seductive voice, we don't even recognize that it
Tripp Lanier:is another entity so to speak, it is just the truth. If I go do
Tripp Lanier:this, then this is what is going to this terrible things going to
Tripp Lanier:happen. If I go down this road, this is going to be terribly
Tripp Lanier:uncomfortable, I'm going to be in LA and I'm going to feel a
Tripp Lanier:certain way. And I don't want to feel that way. If I do this, it
Tripp Lanier:is a with 100% certainty, I will lose my job and I will be on the
Tripp Lanier:street. If I do X, Y, Z, everybody is gonna laugh at me
Tripp Lanier:and cast me out and reject me, we don't ever take a moment to
Tripp Lanier:say that's just a voice. That's just one opinion, that is a
Tripp Lanier:protector between my ears that is trying to make sure I don't
Tripp Lanier:do anything that would be happy, be uncomfortable or unsafe, or,
Tripp Lanier:you know, cast out in some way. But we can learn to challenge
Tripp Lanier:that voice. And we can learn to just recognize like, thank you.
Tripp Lanier:Thanks a lot for looking out for me. Now I'm going to do the
Tripp Lanier:thing that what has me feel more expansive and more meaning in my
Tripp Lanier:life, I'm going to go do the things that are a little
Tripp Lanier:dangerous to this voice. But we first have to recognize and
Tripp Lanier:expect that voice to come along. Most of us are waiting for that
Tripp Lanier:voice to give us permission. You know what I'm gonna go find my
Tripp Lanier:life partner. Once all the green lights are there. And once I've
Tripp Lanier:got permission, you know, I'll be
Brad Miller:ready. Once I'm ready. I hear that all the time
Brad Miller:I say to myself, wait until I'm ready. Well,
Tripp Lanier:we didn't readily wait until I'm inspired. Wait
Tripp Lanier:until I'm
Brad Miller:confident graduate from high school. Or if I
Brad Miller:accomplish a certain raise at my job, or I get financially secure
Brad Miller:or move to a different city there's they're all excuses
Brad Miller:aren't they are they're ready to rationalize what's going on
Brad Miller:here.
Tripp Lanier:And it's fear and fear will always find another
Tripp Lanier:thing to be afraid of. And what when we listen to that voice and
Tripp Lanier:we become dominated by this voice by that voice, our world
Tripp Lanier:gets smaller and smaller and smaller, we're willing to do
Tripp Lanier:less, we're willing to engage fewer people were willing to go,
Tripp Lanier:we're not willing to go as deep with the people that are already
Tripp Lanier:within our lives. And so like I said, we're back in that place
Tripp Lanier:where life feels confining and everything starts to seem
Tripp Lanier:dangerous to us. So if we understand that resistance is
Tripp Lanier:there, we can expect it. We can learn to challenge it and say
Tripp Lanier:let's see, let's see if it's so bad. If I were to have this
Tripp Lanier:conversation with this person, what would happen if I were to
Tripp Lanier:Ask this question, would it really be the worst thing in the
Tripp Lanier:world? And I just like to I like I want to orient my life
Tripp Lanier:personally, to, to support me and have me feel more expansive
Tripp Lanier:and stronger as I go through it, I understand that they're just
Tripp Lanier:going to be people that aren't on on on the same page. And I'm
Tripp Lanier:okay with that. But I'd rather not wait for them to give me
Tripp Lanier:permission, I'd rather not wait for the world to say, okay,
Tripp Lanier:trip, come on in the water's fine. I'm gonna go lean into
Tripp Lanier:that, and then start to see what welcomes me and says, Yes, bring
Tripp Lanier:that and there'll be others that are like, No, I'm not
Tripp Lanier:comfortable with that. And that's okay. And we don't need
Tripp Lanier:to be, you know, enemies or anything. But just understand
Tripp Lanier:that we're not aligned in our values.
Brad Miller:Sometimes it may be a more value, and I just part of
Brad Miller:what I teach, sometimes, it may be more value to take action,
Brad Miller:and then have to ask for forgiveness for something,
Brad Miller:rather than to not take action and to have no regrets and be
Brad Miller:dissolved into numbness, this type of thing. It takes a
Brad Miller:process does a trip to do this, I think it takes some action,
Brad Miller:only the actions you spoke about. But you know, it takes a
Brad Miller:process. And I'm wondering if you have any thoughts about
Brad Miller:procedures, or process or habits or rituals, or anything that you
Brad Miller:do that helps to define and move things? You know, if I'm one of
Brad Miller:these people who feel stuck? What are some things that I can
Brad Miller:do to help take those bold actions?
Tripp Lanier:Well, let's just play with if we really think
Tripp Lanier:about these three big threats that we've been circling so far,
Tripp Lanier:the first one is I'm afraid to be uncomfortable. All right?
Tripp Lanier:Well, we understand it, let's just consider that everything we
Tripp Lanier:ultimately want is on the other side of being a little bit
Tripp Lanier:uncomfortable. It's, it's on the other side of being I'm not
Tripp Lanier:saying you got to throw yourself off a cliff or anything like
Tripp Lanier:that. It's just gonna feel a little edgy. It's gonna feel a
Tripp Lanier:little bit and so I just invite people say, hey, what would it
Tripp Lanier:mean to be a little bold here? And that would be that that part
Tripp Lanier:to speak up and say, Hey, you know what? I don't want to have
Tripp Lanier:XYZ for dinner. I want to have ABC when somebody says, Hey, do
Tripp Lanier:you want to go for lunch is like, Oh, do I really speak up
Tripp Lanier:and say what I want these can This is how my newt these
Tripp Lanier:actions can be, and how on a mundane level, we are making
Tripp Lanier:ourselves smaller and smaller. So the first step to confront
Tripp Lanier:that that fear of discomfort is to just be bold, find little
Tripp Lanier:ways to be bold. The second one is when we have convinced
Tripp Lanier:ourselves that there's some big huge risks there. Or maybe even
Tripp Lanier:not so little bit of risk is to be playful. Is it really true
Tripp Lanier:that the most terrible thing would happen if I did anybody
Tripp Lanier:see, well, is there a way to make this a game, we usually
Tripp Lanier:don't have a problem taking risks when we're playing. That's
Tripp Lanier:the that's the one of the beautiful parts about play is
Tripp Lanier:that we feel like we've got a net and I want to just offer,
Tripp Lanier:you probably got a net, there's probably so many other things
Tripp Lanier:that would have to go terribly wrong for something for your
Tripp Lanier:life to be turned upside down if you did ABC. So be playful, see,
Tripp Lanier:if you can find a way to be playful with this instead of Oh
Tripp Lanier:my god, this is the worst thing that could ever happen. And then
Tripp Lanier:the third part, that fear of looking bad, the way that we can
Tripp Lanier:confront that is Get over yourself. But really, everybody
Tripp Lanier:else is so fixated on themselves, they're probably not
Tripp Lanier:too worried about what you're what you're doing. And it would
Tripp Lanier:help to just realize that maybe you don't have to take yourself
Tripp Lanier:so seriously. And I find that can be just liberating in and of
Tripp Lanier:itself to let go of our need to be so important or to have it
Tripp Lanier:all together. It invites that boldness and then invites that
Tripp Lanier:playfulness that I talked about earlier.
Brad Miller:Yeah, I like the way you phrase it here, live as
Brad Miller:though as if there's nothing to prove and play for something
Brad Miller:bigger when you say get over yourself. And I just like the
Brad Miller:way you turn a phrase there. Because you can't really
Brad Miller:experience something bigger, if we stay confined into our own
Brad Miller:head, our own world, and we have and, and I believe just in terms
Brad Miller:of calling in terms of purpose in life, that for most of us, we
Brad Miller:can accomplish something much bigger than what we have allowed
Brad Miller:ourselves to, to see. So let's talk about that a little bit in
Brad Miller:terms of if one of these dangerous breakthroughs for
Brad Miller:ourselves, what is the driving force that continues to motivate
Brad Miller:us? When we do run into those those roadblocks, we're talking
Brad Miller:about there? Because they do happen. And they can be
Brad Miller:sometimes significant? You know, people right now many people are
Brad Miller:just facing this crazy virus situation and Black Lives Matter
Brad Miller:and other things. There are significant roadblocks there for
Brad Miller:all of us. What keeps you going man? What do you do? What keeps
Brad Miller:you going?
Unknown:I think
Tripp Lanier:I think it's a desire to live. Joseph Campbell
Tripp Lanier:talked about this. He said, I put this quote in the book,
Tripp Lanier:which is, most of us think that we're seeking a sense of meaning
Tripp Lanier:in our lives, but and I'm paraphrasing here, but really,
Tripp Lanier:we want the feeling of being alive. And whatever that might
Tripp Lanier:mean that that might mean doing things that impact others on a
Tripp Lanier:positive level. It could just mean spending an hour ternoon
Tripp Lanier:with our loved ones, or it could mean being in our basement
Tripp Lanier:creating something with our hands. I don't, it doesn't
Tripp Lanier:matter what it is, but there's an experience of being a lot.
Tripp Lanier:Wow, I'm here and I am totally doing this. Most of us are
Tripp Lanier:working really hard to numb our experience. We've designed our
Tripp Lanier:lives to numb ourselves from the things that are uncomfortable.
Tripp Lanier:And unfortunately, that also turns the knob down on what has
Tripp Lanier:us feel alive. So to come back to this sense, what if that,
Tripp Lanier:what if that a lightness became a North Star for us, I feel more
Tripp Lanier:alive. When I am with my community, I feel more alive
Tripp Lanier:when I'm creating something I feel more most alive when I'm
Tripp Lanier:having these types of conversations versus those types
Tripp Lanier:of conversations. I feel most alive, whatever fill the blank
Tripp Lanier:fill in the blank. I, I find more and more that there's an
Tripp Lanier:excitement, there's a there's a juice that comes in into play.
Tripp Lanier:There's a smile that naturally arises when we tap into that
Tripp Lanier:place. And just like yes, this is it. Hallelujah, right? It's
Tripp Lanier:our hands go up into the air, like I am alive. And it's a
Tripp Lanier:beautiful force. And it's something that I I'm not ready
Tripp Lanier:to be dead yet. And I don't want to be dead while I'm still
Tripp Lanier:walking the planet, right? So I want to be fully alive. And I
Tripp Lanier:would say that that is that's that's a huge motivator for me,
Tripp Lanier:I'm really aware of what things that want to take my energy away
Tripp Lanier:or where I'm allowing that to be taken away.
Brad Miller:It's interesting when you talk about this type of
Brad Miller:thing, we're talking to her trip about being, you know, being
Brad Miller:dangerous, and about this debt force helps us feel alive. To
Brad Miller:me, it's interesting, at least I've been privileged to talk to
Brad Miller:some people who have been through some dangerous, truly
Brad Miller:dangerous situations, I've done a war, your talk, I was able to
Brad Miller:interview a gentleman in my church a few years ago who was a
Brad Miller:survival of the battle evil gm of World War Two. And he talked
Brad Miller:about he was wounded several times and was pinned for 10
Brad Miller:hours pan to behind a jeep and but he also talked about that
Brad Miller:exhilarating experience in being rescued by his buddies, and
Brad Miller:getting off that island and how every year he and his buddies
Brad Miller:would ever reunion. And that's how he felt really alive. And if
Brad Miller:you think about a lot of people, then coordinate or have a sense
Brad Miller:of the lightness that comes out of some of the more dangerous
Brad Miller:things they've done, going off to college could be one, or it
Brad Miller:could be being on a sports team, you know, being on a sports team
Brad Miller:or being in a band, where you perform or do something
Brad Miller:creative, that people will often say that's what I felt was most
Brad Miller:alive, that's when I felt vigorous. And it might have been
Brad Miller:the most dangerous thing you've ever done. In my in my case, I
Brad Miller:was part of a group of people that helped smuggle Bibles into
Brad Miller:Russia when it was communist some years ago. And we got
Brad Miller:searched by guys with collision caused machine guns and it was
Brad Miller:pretty scary. But what I'm just in your life and give me
Brad Miller:example, or something, you've coached a lot of people about
Brad Miller:how people then can take this alive as it comes from the
Brad Miller:dangerous and kind of make it kind of a part of our everyday
Brad Miller:life, not just those extreme moments, but part of you know,
Brad Miller:how we could kind of like a better term to discipline
Brad Miller:ourselves or manufacture that or, or how we can get that
Brad Miller:there?
Tripp Lanier:Well, the first thing to recognize that we have
Tripp Lanier:these peak experiences, right? I mean, everything that you just
Tripp Lanier:described are our experiences we will not forget, right? So let's
Tripp Lanier:understand that. To make that a daily thing we're going to adapt
Tripp Lanier:our brain would adapt to that. And, you know, it's not the
Tripp Lanier:event itself, it's the experience, I want to just, I
Tripp Lanier:don't want us to create an expectation that every day is
Tripp Lanier:going to be this oh my god kind of thing, because then we can
Tripp Lanier:get into a place where we're state chasing. But that is what
Tripp Lanier:draws people to certain professions is they're not going
Tripp Lanier:to sit behind a desk, they want to be jumping out of a plane, or
Tripp Lanier:they want to be fighting a fire or they want to be going into
Tripp Lanier:dangerous situations. So it's it's good to understand what
Tripp Lanier:type of person we are and where that edge is. We may feel more
Tripp Lanier:alive, just having conversations with people, I feel a sense of
Tripp Lanier:lightness when I'm working with a client. And it's it's really
Tripp Lanier:apparent that they're lying to themselves. And they they're
Tripp Lanier:there in their own story. And they're basing themselves on
Tripp Lanier:some level. And there's this point, it's like, I'm going to
Tripp Lanier:say something here, they may fire me. This may be the moment
Tripp Lanier:where they just say I'm out. You can't say that to me. And I and
Tripp Lanier:I asked them a question. And there's in that moment, my heart
Tripp Lanier:can be racing. And in those moments, and they'll be they'll
Tripp Lanier:look at me, like, Oh my god, you're right. And I didn't want
Tripp Lanier:to see that about myself and that but that's one of the
Tripp Lanier:things like I didn't leave my room, there was no gun drawn at
Tripp Lanier:me. There was nothing, quote, physically dangerous that was
Tripp Lanier:going to happen. So I want to just lay that out there that
Tripp Lanier:these opportunities for lightness are all around us if
Tripp Lanier:we're willing to look for where that boundary is. What's the
Tripp Lanier:thing that I would love to ask this person but I'm afraid to
Tripp Lanier:because I'm not really quite sure it might, it might rock the
Tripp Lanier:boat a little bit. I think if we're coming from the right
Tripp Lanier:place from a loving, curious place, most of the time, people
Tripp Lanier:will they're wanting to hear that. But even if they're like
Tripp Lanier:Mind your own business, like, Okay, I'm still okay, I'll be
Tripp Lanier:okay. If I get some pushback. But but it opens the door. And
Tripp Lanier:suddenly, the world is full of doors instead of walls. And
Tripp Lanier:that's where it comes to this idea of settling as we start to
Tripp Lanier:realize, and I have so many more doorways when I'm willing to be
Tripp Lanier:uncomfortable, and willing to take risks, and willing to rock
Tripp Lanier:the boat from time to time,
Brad Miller:much bigger life, like you got all those
Brad Miller:opportunities. those opportunities come when you
Brad Miller:sometimes close a door or gave yourself the opportunity to have
Brad Miller:that, that door closed? Well, let me ask you this trapped.
Brad Miller:What if someone comes to you either a client or just someone
Brad Miller:you have a relationship to what are they going to learn out this
Brad Miller:book? What are they? What's the takeaways, what the key
Brad Miller:takeaways are going to take with them from this book will make
Brad Miller:you dangerous, the river guide for people who refuse to settle
Brad Miller:where they're going to takeaways that they're going to apply?
Brad Miller:Because
Tripp Lanier:Yeah, the feedback that I'm getting, I'd say a few
Tripp Lanier:things are standing out first is they haven't realized that
Tripp Lanier:they're what they are spending most of their time pursuing,
Tripp Lanier:which is some this conventional form of success. And I want to
Tripp Lanier:be really clear, I like having money and nice stuff, but but
Tripp Lanier:that they, they're unaware that they bought into an expectation
Tripp Lanier:that there's going to be a finish line. And so a lot of
Tripp Lanier:them are waiting to live their best life or they're waiting to
Tripp Lanier:do the thing that they really want to do, because they're
Tripp Lanier:expecting some finished light, some green light to come along
Tripp Lanier:and say, You know what, you've become successful enough,
Tripp Lanier:whatever that means. Now you can go do what you really want, huh.
Tripp Lanier:So they're waking up to that idea as I because I, you know,
Tripp Lanier:deconstruct this myth that we have in our set in our in
Tripp Lanier:ourselves that there's some point where it's going to be
Tripp Lanier:okay to do that. And number two is, is a lot of them are pretty
Tripp Lanier:impacted by this idea that most of the time we're going through
Tripp Lanier:our lives, protecting and pleasing, and proving we wake up
Tripp Lanier:every day, and we're doing whatever we can to cover our
Tripp Lanier:butts, to kiss butt. And to make sure we don't look like a butt
Tripp Lanier:as we go through life. And that in and of itself is been a
Tripp Lanier:really impactful thing when they realize like, that's not what I
Tripp Lanier:want my life to be about. I don't want my life to be about
Tripp Lanier:just avoiding things. I want to be a creator, I want to be
Tripp Lanier:somebody that really lives and really leaves a mark.
Brad Miller:Awesome, awesome. I want to kind of close our
Brad Miller:conversation. next few minutes, we just code just a little
Brad Miller:slight different direction. Because everybody, you've got
Brad Miller:some great things to offer here and your book, and I think it's
Brad Miller:gonna be helpful. Already, in looking through it myself, I
Brad Miller:find some really helpful things to apply. And I'm really big in
Brad Miller:that. But also in your, in your podcast, you've had the
Brad Miller:opportunity to talk to a lot of people and I believe part of
Brad Miller:what I do is I research a lot of what I'm doing by talking and
Brad Miller:learning from other people. Here's what I'm interested in,
Brad Miller:what is your what is something you may have learned from
Brad Miller:somebody you've talked to either in your podcast, or otherwise,
Brad Miller:that really made an impact. I didn't even have to be a famous
Brad Miller:person or whatever. But someone who spoken to your life and made
Brad Miller:a difference.
Tripp Lanier:Gosh, I've interviewed hundreds of people
Tripp Lanier:over the last 13 plus years. The things I would say this stuff
Tripp Lanier:that stands out is in this realm of resistance. And, and learning
Tripp Lanier:to see that as a just as a voice in our head. And a couple of
Tripp Lanier:things that Phil Stutz has said to me, Phil Stutz is a coach and
Tripp Lanier:therapist, and Los Angeles. he's a he's been in my life, he's
Tripp Lanier:helped me with things. But I've also featured him quite heavily
Tripp Lanier:in this book. And this, the thing that usually hold us back
Tripp Lanier:so we just take ourselves so seriously, and we're convinced
Tripp Lanier:that we are so important, whether we want to believe it or
Tripp Lanier:not even even if we're not an arrogant person or Showboat
Tripp Lanier:person. And one of the other ways that we take ourselves
Tripp Lanier:seriously is to make ourselves small is because we think
Tripp Lanier:everybody's watching and we think that it really matters
Tripp Lanier:what we say or do so one of the things that he that he talks
Tripp Lanier:about is let go of any hope that you are going to be appreciated,
Tripp Lanier:or admired or recognized for anything that you do today. Why
Tripp Lanier:does this matter? What Why would we what would what would happen
Tripp Lanier:if we were to let go of any need to be appreciated or admired or
Tripp Lanier:recognize what we do is most of us are only doing things because
Tripp Lanier:we think we're going to be admired or recognized or
Tripp Lanier:appreciated for what we do. We spend a lot of time wasting
Tripp Lanier:energy, doing those things, and then feeling disappointed
Tripp Lanier:because the world doesn't come along and deliver a trophy to us
Tripp Lanier:at the end of the day. What I find is when we let go of that
Tripp Lanier:expectation, or that belief that I need to be admired and
Tripp Lanier:appreciated and recognized everyday is that First off, we
Tripp Lanier:can start to say no to things It just don't serve us anymore. Our
Tripp Lanier:schedule gets a lot lighter, we got a lot more space in our
Tripp Lanier:lives when I realize, maybe I don't need to be appreciated and
Tripp Lanier:recognized and admired at that level, I can go and focus on
Tripp Lanier:what really matters now. And then number two, I think we'd
Tripp Lanier:become stronger as a result when we realize that we're not so
Tripp Lanier:dependent upon others to feel good about ourselves.
Brad Miller:That's great. That's great. And kind of along
Brad Miller:the same line of people, you've talked about influence on you.
Brad Miller:You mentioned Phil Stutz. What's a what's a go to book for you,
Brad Miller:you know, like a book that you may pull off the shelf, or cakey
Brad Miller:pandy that helps inspire you helps transform you, or just a
Brad Miller:reference point for you.
Tripp Lanier:You know, just since we're on the topic of
Tripp Lanier:resistance, I think it's definite Steven pressfield book,
Tripp Lanier:The War of Art is was really powerful. And then Stutz and
Tripp Lanier:Barry Michaels wrote a book called coming alive. And there's
Tripp Lanier:some tools in there about this resistance stuff. Again, I think
Tripp Lanier:if we can get a handle on the resistance piece, put fear in
Tripp Lanier:check, really understand this voice, then we start to see
Tripp Lanier:life, all the opportunities around us, but fear is what
Tripp Lanier:keeps us can has this convinced that the world is so much more
Tripp Lanier:dangerous than it actually is.
Brad Miller:And if you're going to be dangerous, you got to face
Brad Miller:your fears, you know, this book will will make you dangerous,
Brad Miller:facing our fears. And I love the love the part about speaking
Brad Miller:about resistance. As a matter of fact, I'm a big fan of Steven
Brad Miller:pressfield, his work, I've gift, I might have a birthday and a
Brad Miller:couple of days. And one of the things I do for my family,
Brad Miller:meaning my adult children, and their significant others is
Brad Miller:like, on my birthday, I give them something. And and so my
Brad Miller:gift to them is almost always a book. And this year, it's going
Brad Miller:to be Steven pressfield to do the work, which is all about the
Brad Miller:resistance that we're talking about there. That's just a side
Brad Miller:side note there. But I know that trip you are your book is
Brad Miller:helpful to people. But you also have a coaching practice. And
Brad Miller:you also have a have a podcast. If folks wanted to learn more
Brad Miller:about your podcast or your website, or your book or your
Brad Miller:coaching anything else. How can they make some contact with you?
Tripp Lanier:The book is available on whatever country
Tripp Lanier:you're in. You can find it on Amazon. That's the easiest way
Tripp Lanier:if you want to learn more about the coaching work that I do. I
Tripp Lanier:work with clients all around the world via zoom. You can go to
Tripp Lanier:trip linear calm, and then the podcast has, you know, massive
Tripp Lanier:amount of free resources there. And you can learn more about
Tripp Lanier:that at the new man podcast calm or just search for the new man
Tripp Lanier:on any of your favorite podcast platforms.
Brad Miller:The name of the book is this book will make you
Brad Miller:dangerous. The irreverent guide for a man who refused to settle
Brad Miller:our guest today is author trip lennier