The Antidote for Toxic Relationships With Dr. Brad Miller

Welcome to Dr. Brad Miller’s Episode 256 of “The Beyond Adversity Podcast.”

In this episode, Dr Brad discussed toxic relationships and the antidotes we can use to eliminate them. He also shares the story of when he himself experienced toxicity from an individual in the church.

Dr Brad talks about the toxic person he met at their church.

Although being a pastor in a church led him to help many people and meet great individuals with high spirituality, there are still some toxic people who are hurtful to others.

This led him to leave the church to prevent any damage to his family’s life.

Dr Brad also talks about A. Garcia, about how she experienced a life-threatening situation with his toxic husband. When A realized her situation, she made the best decision, which was to escape the domestic violence she was in.

Dr Brad defines toxic relationships as poison, which can hurt us deeply. Or in the worst-case scenario, kill us.

As such, antidotes are needed to stop the damage of a poison. If you are in a toxic relationship, you must remember that you must do something and take action to escape.

Dr Brad talks about the four C’s, which is the antidote for toxic relationships. The first is confrontation. Second is cutting out the toxic relationship. The third is to commit yourself. Lastly, connect with a higher power.

Episode 256 of The Beyond Adversity Podcast is a must-listen for anyone in a toxic relationship with other people—those who are struggling to escape from the poisonous situation and want to find the cure.

“The Beyond Adversity Podcast with Dr. Brad Miller is published weekly with the mission of helping people “Grow Through What They Go Through” as they navigate adversity and discover their promised life of peace, prosperity and purpose. 

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Transcript

Dr. Brad Miller 0:00

Hello good people, and welcome to Beyond adversity

Dr. Brad Miller 0:05

with Dr. Brad Miller. It is indeed a pleasure and a privilege

Dr. Brad Miller 0:11

to have you here with me today, as I look to share into

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your life, something that can help you transform from a

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state of adversity to a state of what we call the promise life.

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Love the life of peace, and prosperity and purpose.

Dr. Brad Miller 0:30

As always, I'm coming to you from the aloft studios in my

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home office, just outside of beautiful Indianapolis, Indiana.

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And we are thankful and grateful so much that you that

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you have chosen to spend a few moments with me allowing

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me into your earbuds, whatever you're doing today,

Dr. Brad Miller 0:51

if you're on your iPhone or in your car, or listening to me on

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Alexa or something like that, I just really, really appreciate

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it as you go about your day working out, or doing chores.

Dr. Brad Miller 1:04

Love it. I'm here to speak into your life. I come into your

Dr. Brad Miller 1:08

company with a background in pastoral ministry, 42 years

Dr. Brad Miller 1:12

of pastoral ministry, in a local church settings and a doctoral

Dr. Brad Miller 1:16

degree in transformational leadership, I got something

Dr. Brad Miller 1:19

to share with you about some things that can be put into

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your life, to help you to navigate adversity, to grow

Dr. Brad Miller 1:25

through what you go through. And to achieve your life

Dr. Brad Miller 1:27

of peace and prosperity, and purpose. Today, we're

Dr. Brad Miller 1:31

talking about toxic people, and toxic relationships. The title

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of this talk is the antidote to toxic relationships. They want

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you to know that you can get not only this episode, but all

Dr. Brad Miller 1:46

episodes of beyond adversity, over 250 episodes at dr.bradmiller.com.

Dr. Brad Miller 1:52

And you can find out more about our coaching and

Dr. Brad Miller 1:54

our coursework courses at dr.brad miller.com/fortydayway.

Dr. Brad Miller 2:01

Today, we're talking about toxic people and toxic relationships.

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And it's precipitated by the conversation that I had in

Dr. Brad Miller 2:09

Episode 254 and 255. With a woman named A. Garcia.

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A. Garcia came through toxic relationships of her own.

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It included abuse, physical, emotional, and, and relationship abuse.

Dr. Brad Miller 2:31

And included attempted murder on her life by a partner by

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person in her life, and included her taking dramatic

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steps to save her own life, save the life of her child and

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then to get out of that situation, that toxic relationship and

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to create the life that she calls be your incredible self.

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Her website is beyourincredibleself.com. And she talks about

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getting through the trauma, but she called you to have

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post traumatic growth and to survive domestic violence

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in order to have post traumatic growth. And when I would

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share with you today is you can't have growth, until you get

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out of your toxic relationships. So today, I want to give you some

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bit of stories out of my life and about of about how you can

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respond to toxic relationships. Now, I've mentioned a couple times.

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And if you got to know me over the course of time here and

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beyond adversity, you know that I've spent much of my

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life as a pastor in local churches. And in many ways, there's

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nothing better than being a pastor of a local church, when

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things are going well. And people have come together for

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a common purpose in order to, to, to build a community of

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faith, to serve the needs of others, and to be a part of a

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process to be helpful to help people grow spiritually, and to

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come together and fellowship to serve others. I've been part

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of church groups that have helped to rebuild homes after

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tornadoes come around people who have lost a loved ones,

Dr. Brad Miller 4:10

and to be healing forces when people have had all kinds of

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troubles spiritually and physically and in every way, and indeed

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be on mission trips to all around the world, where you see

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things coming together is awesome. When people work

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together for a common cause nothing better. You see, life

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transformation often takes place in groups like that. The

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flip side of it is the local church and other connections with

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people can sometimes include people who are going to be

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hurtful and painful, who are toxic, dangerous, poisonous, if

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you will, in fact, in the world of clergy, we even have a term

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for this with people in your church who want to get you

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especially who want to get pastors moved out of a church

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or something like that. We call them clergy killers. That's

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our term we often have for them, people who really want

Dr. Brad Miller 5:06

to get you and to have their own issues going on and

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want to harm you in some way. Now, so in my years of ministry

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have experienced my share of joys. But I've also experienced

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my share of toxic people, clergy, killers, people who wanted to

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get rid of me or to help me, you know, just didn't like me for

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whatever reason. And I've seen how they've hurt one another

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well. Now, I imagine in your life, you've had people who've hurt

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you as well, or you've been around people who are toxic.

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Sometimes they're even in our own families. In fact, you often

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when we talk about domestic violence, it's people in our own

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families. But let me talk to you in the church setting one

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I'm familiar with for just a moment, just a couple of situations

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come to mind. One was a guy called him Bill, I knew Bill was

Dr. Brad Miller 5:54

going to be quite toxic, even when I met him, even before I

Dr. Brad Miller 6:04

even came to the church to be the pastor there. I just tell by

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the edge and vibe with him. And I knew a little bit about him

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that he had moved from some other churches to be a part

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of church I was pastoring at. Because of some issues he had,

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with pastors in those churches, that word gets around, you know,

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pastors talk among themselves, as well as about folks is

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sometimes you folks are part of churches, talk about your

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pastors, we know that we get that, just like in the workplace,

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you talk about your boss, or you talk about your co workers,

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I get it, you get it as well. In this case, Bill became evident right

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away that he was going to try and to dominate me.

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And he was going to try to dominate me by going through

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other people and leverage me. And what really ticked me off

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one day, is when he tried to get to me by going after my two

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small sons at the time, who were young elementary age, and I

Dr. Brad Miller 7:02

don't know what they did, but they were at the church, and I

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was in another part of the church. And they were just goofing off

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like young kids do. And he started yelling at him. And it became

Dr. Brad Miller 7:10

very upsetting to you. And that's what he said, so much would

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upset my wife quite a bit. And I heard about it. And so I

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was not happy about that whole deal. And that's just one indicator

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of all the things that he was doing. Because he went after my

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kids who weren't doing much, they didn't deserve what he yelled

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at them about. And he didn't come to me first. So we had a bit of

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a exchange of, we had a bit of a confrontation about it. And

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here's what he said, and indicated into to me, that I was really

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up against a toxic person. Several times in a row, he used the

Dr. Brad Miller 7:47

phrase with me, am I right? Or am I right? Am I right? Or am I right?

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And of course, he wanted me to come back at him. Of course,

Dr. Brad Miller 7:56

you're right. But I didn't. I came back and said, Bill, you're wrong.

Dr. Brad Miller 8:00

And that led to a bit of a conflict. And that kind of exacerbated.

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So eventually, we had to go our separate ways. He and his family

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ended up leaving the church sometime later, but not without a few

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other difficulties. And I had other issues in churches as well,

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where people were, what I would call toxic, and it meant that

Dr. Brad Miller 8:22

something had to be done, or I would be damaged. My

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effectiveness would be damaged, my family would be damaged,

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my health would be damaged. My spiritual life would be damaged.

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You heard A talk about in the last few episodes how she

Dr. Brad Miller 8:41

had a toxic relationship with a partner, which led to her

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very life being threatened. Attempted murder, physical abuse,

Dr. Brad Miller 8:52

emotional verbal abuse, and she finally something snapped

Dr. Brad Miller 8:56

with her and she had to get out of there. She had to escape

Dr. Brad Miller 8:59

domestic violence she had to escape the toxicity. Now let

Dr. Brad Miller 9:03

me ask you something. What is that word toxic even mean?

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Really toxic? You've heard the phrase you've experienced

Dr. Brad Miller 9:10

yourself toxic people are toxic relationships. What it really

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means is poison doesn't it? Poison. And poison does what.

Dr. Brad Miller 9:22

it hurts and it kills. Why do you think it when you have

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certain materials under your sink, cleaning solutions and

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such and such they have that skull and claws, and crossbones

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thing several on there. And the numbers of poison control centers.

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It's because if somebody gets into it, it can hurt them deeply.

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And maybe even kill them. Poison is going to hurt you. Toxic

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means poison is gonna hurt or damage you.

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You've heard about people being bitten by snakes of course.

Dr. Brad Miller 9:52

A poisonous snake bites What are you going to do? They have

Dr. Brad Miller 9:55

to make an incision wherever the bite was made. You do, and the

Dr. Brad Miller:

poison has to be sucked out by somebody suck it out with their

Dr. Brad Miller:

mouth or special tubes and things like that. And you gotta get to

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the doctor you got to get it out. And worst case it you know, bad

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case scenarios and people are poisoned by a snake bite or something

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that worst case scenarios they lose their life. But many times

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people have lost the use of an arm or foot and even maybe

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had to have something amputated or cut off. Poison is a terrible

Dr. Brad Miller:

way to be damaged or to die. It's often a somewhat slow moving

Dr. Brad Miller:

process, meaning it's not like being shot or killed in a crash.

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It's going to work and lingering effects, I gotta tell you one

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particular point the worst poisonous situation I ever saw. And I

Dr. Brad Miller:

won't get too graphic about this. But I worked with a young

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man who decided to end his own life by drinking a

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combination of toilet bowl cleanser, and alcohol, which

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literally burned his insides up. And it took about a month,

Dr. Brad Miller:

it took three or four weeks for him to die of that terrible

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excruciating death. There's a whole lot of to that story.

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My point is, poison is terrible, and will tear you up before it kills you.

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Let's talk about something else that's poisonous, you know

Dr. Brad Miller:

about this cancer. Not too long ago, I was recently diagnosed

Dr. Brad Miller:

with cancer, it looks like about six weeks from now, it is likely that

Dr. Brad Miller:

I'll have surgery to what, cut out the cancer. And if they don't

Dr. Brad Miller:

cut it out, then it's going to be burned out by radiation or

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maybe a combination. If you have poison in your body,

Dr. Brad Miller:

you have to take extreme measures to do something you

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got if you got poison, if you got toxins in your body, physical toxins,

Dr. Brad Miller:

you either got to cut it out, or flush it out, or suck it out or get

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your stomach pumped. You got to take dramatic measures

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to deal with it. You can't let it go and linger. Because

Dr. Brad Miller:

it will kill you. Now, here's what I want to share with you.

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He doesn't. If you're in a toxic relationship, you got to do

Dr. Brad Miller:

something about it, or it will slowly destroy you. You got to do

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something about it. And I think many of you know exactly

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what I'm talking about. You've got that relationship you're

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thinking of it might be somebody in your old household.

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It might be somebody you work with, it might be somebody

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you go to church with, it might be somebody else in your life,

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that you have some sort of a toxic relationship that you have.

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But what are you going to do? When you have poison in your life,

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you got to do something about it, the response to poison

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is the antidote, isn't it? Your response is the antidote, it might

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be some drug that you take some potion that you take, or

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it might be surgery, or it might be radiation or maybe something

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else, or even amputation. There's responses to it. But you have

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to take a respond to the antidote. And so what I want to give

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you for just a few minutes here today is some points some

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antidotes to deal with toxic people in your life. Because if

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you keep going with it, it's going to hurt you. So let's talk

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about it for a minute. Let's talk about it. The first thing I

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want to share with you is I would call these the the sea of

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confrontation, the confrontation, you got to confront the adversity,

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you the sea, you got to confront it in your life, either internally in

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your old self and come to terms with it, that this is not

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good for me. And at times you need to confront the other

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person, not always. You gotta you gotta you gotta continue

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the ramifications of it. But the confrontation may need to

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take place. At any rate you got to confront you got to come

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to the AHA, the realization moment in your own right. But I

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can't keep living this way. That's the personal confrontation

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part of it. And there may be times when you need if it is a

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particular person in your life that you may need to confront

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them. It may come to that. Let's talk about A. Garcia, who

Dr. Brad Miller:

was in our episode 254 and 255. She had to confront

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the situation. And she tried to confront it a couple

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of times personally. But her confrontation was to get

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out of the situation, you know, that she was in where

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she had to survive it. So the confrontation piece of this

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is a part of the survival piece. You cannot deal with your

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life you can't get on with your life until you deal with you

Dr. Brad Miller:

know, if you have cancer, you really can't get on with

Dr. Brad Miller:

your life to the you know, living your full life until you deal

Dr. Brad Miller:

with the cancer. It's either got to be it's got to be dealt with

Dr. Brad Miller:

chemically, radiation surgery, something's got to be done.

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In order to deal with the cancer. You got to confronted, it

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starts with yourself, you got to have that aha moment

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and saying, Okay, I can't keep living this way I got to confront it.

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So that's the confrontation piece. And the next part I'm going

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to share with you is a little bit controversial, perhaps. But

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if you think about it, not really, I'd call it the cut or the

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cut it out, you have to cut out that relationship, you

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have to put it in a box or put it in a place that you can

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deal with it. And what I mean by that is you have to decide

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how you're going to deal with this relationship with A, she

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got she and her daughter got out, they escaped. They

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escaped in a conference, a escape the situation, which was

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literally life threatening. In your case, and my case, you

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have to deal with how you're going to cut out a relationship.

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I had to help with some of the people I had conflicts with

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in church. There's a couple occasions when I basically had

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Hagen's, it's either you or me, you said that you were me,

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either you're going to leave, or I'm going to leave. And I meant it.

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And it happened both ways. What I mean by that there was a

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couple of situations, including the situation I mentioned earlier,

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about toxic bill, where they left the church, and things improved

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dramatically. And there was one occasion where I left the church.

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And things improved both for me mental physically,

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emotionally, and even for the for the church, you got to cut it

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out, you got to put a separation, make the incision, if you're

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gonna have cancer, take out your body, there comes a moment

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when that needle or that scalpels got to go in and cut it out.

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Now, you might see me and Brad, Dr. Brad, that's easier said

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than done. What if there's a person my own household, what if

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it's somebody I work with, or a family member, my parent or

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my spouse, or my daughter or son? Well, did you got to come to put

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it in a certain framework, you got to put boundaries around

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that relationship, that there's certain things you will not put up

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with certain things that you cannot deal with. At times,

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that means walking away. At times, it may mean confrontation.

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But it may mean that you just can't deal with certain things,

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you may need space. Now, for in some cases, it does mean

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you have to end a relationship. Divorce, for instance, is one

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of those, or to move away people do that, sometimes it's

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necessary. You got to put it in a framework, even if you're in

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a relationship, even a family relationship with someone,

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you need to put boundaries on it. And you got to put in your

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own life, what those boundaries are to that are not going

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to be crossed over. I know of one situation interracial relationship

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where we're interracial couple, and they had to deal with

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families on both sides who weren't quite understanding

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in what certain trigger words were used. Those went across

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the boundary. And they could not be said. So you know, it was

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a real problem. You see what I'm saying here. So confront

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yourself, cut it out is the next one. And the third, the next thing

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that you can do to have the antidote for for toxicity toxic

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relationship is to commit yourself is to commit, you're going

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to commit to your own self worth and your own self growth.

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That is that your life is worth it. You have to value your life, you

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have to commit to your own life, that you value your life and

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you don't want to die. In this toxic relationship. You do not

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want to be diminished, physically, spiritually or emotionally,

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you gotta love yourself first. And you really can't grow truly

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grow until you save yourself, you know, you really can't in the

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case of A she couldn't really save her daughter from the abuse

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situation they were both in. And two, she saved herself as

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well as she had to get a Home Sense of

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committed to her own self worth.

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The next part of this, the next see, I would say is to connect

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with a higher power, connect with a higher power. That is your

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spiritual life. You need to go to a place you do you can't do this

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on your own. And I believe there's there's two major sources

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that you can do to gain strength when you don't have it.

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One of them is in prayer or meditation or in your inner life, go

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to a place that you are not only worth it a value, but you need

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to connect with a source greater than yourself. I certainly

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advocate advocate a spiritual life, get into reading your

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Bible, get into your prayer life, get into journaling and other

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practices that way. If you need help on any of that stuff, reach

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out to me. I can help you with that. With that. And there's certain

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things about this that are about Remember, Jesus did this you know

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he cut certain people out of his life. The Pharisees and the

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Sadducees are in his life and they wanted to kill him. And he

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said get away from it. You brood of vipers and he and connected

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up with his, with his with his Heavenly Father was God he went

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out to the garden of Gethsemane, pray God, even that, let this

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this sweat drops of blood came upon him. And he said, let this

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cup pass from me, because he knew people were after him.

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Toxic people were after him. But he went to God the Father.

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So that's the spiritual aspect. You seek your own spiritual guide,

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but do what if you want to get rid of toxicity in your life, do that.

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The next thing, the last thing I would just share with you is

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to commune with cool people. key phrase here cool people,

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that his friends, build new relationships, and commune with

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them means build community with them. That might mean an

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advocacy group, it might mean a professional counselor, it might

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mean a friend at work, or you were friends with before who can

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deal with the commonality. Sometimes it's starts with kind of just

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talking about, you know, Hey, have you had this common

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experience with those other person, sometimes it's within the

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family, that you have to build allies, you have to have people

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who are advocates, your advocates, and you build community

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with them. And I call it cool people, because there's people you

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enjoy being with and they enjoy being with you. So you what

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you do you sustain one another, and you build one another up.

Dr. Brad Miller:

I certainly have had that in my own life. And I appreciate that.

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I have other friends and clergy people in my life colleagues

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who were supportive of me when I had some of these conflicts

Dr. Brad Miller:

with the clergy killers in my life. You need that too. You need

Dr. Brad Miller:

that too. We're gonna build we're building a new community

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here, at beyond adversity, even at large learn more about the

Dr. Brad Miller:

community we're building, reach out to me at Dr. Brad miller.com,

Dr. Brad Miller:

we'll let you know about the community that we're building here.

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It can be helpful to you as well get with people. That's the two basic

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things you can do here, let's go over them again, one more time,

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is to confront the issue, the sea of confrontation, have your aha moment.

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The next one is to cut it out to cut out those relationships

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that are harmful to you separate yourself. The next C

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is to commit to yourself your own self value and self worth

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to connect with a higher power. That is your spiritual life.

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And then to commune with cool people is the next C there.

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Do those things, it's going to help you to have a antidote, or

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response to toxic people in your life, and it will make a hole

Dr. Brad Miller:

it will make a you know just a lot of difference in your life.

Dr. Brad Miller:

It will I promise you, I promise you. You know we're here

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to serve you. We're here to here to serve you. I love you. And

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I pray for you. And I want you to know that here Dr.Bradmiller.com.

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We are building a community to serve people who have had

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various issues in their life. Various adversities, we call them we

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call them the five D's of adversity: depression, divorce, disease,

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debt, financial issues, and death. And everybody faces those,

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and how we deal with them makes all the difference. And

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what we do is we have what we call the ACTS plan, which is

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our process to help you to get through that. A is to take

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action in your life. We talked about love it here today

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about confront things to C is to connect with a higher power

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and the word acts, picture spiritual life. The T is to think

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strategically, what's your ABC process that you can do your

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new habits, your new goals, and the essence to serve others

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with love. And that's exactly what we are looking to do here.

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Because when I come to you from my loft office, I'm

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surrounded by books and, and resources here and my

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experience, but I'm all about speaking into your life. Because

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I've had my own troubles and my own situations right now.

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I've mentioned I'm dealing with cancer, I got to have surgery

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on that. A few weeks from now on, I advocated wish for

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your prayers and your thoughts and your good thoughts,

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as I do with my own toxic adversary cancer. And I'm dealing

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with that as well. And we're looking to create a new podcast

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which will be dealing with that as well. We'll tell you more

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about that as we go along here on Beyond adversity.

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But that's what I want to share with you. We are here.

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Because we love you and we're here to serve you. You

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can always reach out to me at DrBradmiller.com. That's

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our website, my email Brad at DrBradmiller.com. You can reach

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out to me that way as well. DrBradmiller.com is also

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where you can find we have an hour now over 250 episodes

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of this podcast, every one of them designed to serve you.

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And if you don't learn more about get on our mailing list

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and learn more about our courses and about our processes.

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You can go to DrBradmiller.com/fortydayway. Hopefully that'll

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be helpful to you. We're here to serve, because we love you.

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We're here to help you to navigate adversity in your life.

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So you might My friend can deal with toxic people and toxic

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things and get on with your life and to have a life of peace and

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prosperity and purpose to grow through whatever it is you go through.

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Well hope you join me next time here on The beyond adversity

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podcast, where we will continue to tackle adversity to give

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you the best life possible until our paths cross again. Indeed,

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this is Dr Brad Brad Miller saying, I love you, I care for you

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and always do all the good that you can.