How to Thrive Beyond the Trauma of Domestic Violence/Toxic Relationship with Agape Garcia

A. Garcia has a program called, Be Your Incredible self. Its mission is to help people overcome their trauma and live better lives.

In this episode, A. Garcia shared the story of the gruesome violence she experienced with her husband while pregnant and how she got past her trauma.

A. Garcia talks about the motorcycle accident she had that had a low chance of surviving. After that, she discusses what trauma is and how we can get past it.

She also talks about how she discovered what her husband was hiding.

After confronting him, she was beaten up by her husband, but hearing her daughter’s voice helped her return to her sense and escape to get help.

Her experience gave her a trauma that has haunted her ever since. But she did not let her circumstances hold her back, as she eventually broke through the trauma.

A. Garcia’s story is motivational and inspiring for one who experiences life-threatening traumatic events but arises full of knowledge and desire to help others be their incredible selves.

Episode 254 of The Beyond Adversity Podcast is a must-listen for any individual who experiences trauma that brings you down — Those who are stuck and don’t know how to break through the traumas. This will help you to be encouraged and overcome whatever traumas you’ve been through.

“The Beyond Adversity Podcast with Dr. Brad Miller is published weekly with the mission of helping people “Grow Through What They Go Through” as they navigate adversity and discover their promised life of peace, prosperity and purpose. 

https://beyourincredibleself.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/beincredible 

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/agarcia247

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/beyourincredibleself

Transcript
Dr. Brad Miller:

Her name is A. Garcia, and she comes to

Dr. Brad Miller:

us with the program Be Your Incredible

Dr. Brad Miller:

Self in the nonprofit called confronting

Dr. Brad Miller:

domestic violence, A, Welcome to Beyond diversity.

A. Garcia:

Well, thank you for having me here.

A. Garcia:

It is such a pleasure and an honor.

A. Garcia:

And I am elated to share my story.

A. Garcia:

So people can hear my voice, feel

A. Garcia:

the growth that can really, really take

A. Garcia:

place beyond trauma in our lives and

A. Garcia:

give some takeaways, when you are

Dr. Brad Miller:

all about helping folks get through trauma,

Dr. Brad Miller:

and in order to have a better life. And that

Dr. Brad Miller:

started with some trauma that you went

Dr. Brad Miller:

through that you have now gone through.

Dr. Brad Miller:

If you don't mind, share with a little bit

Dr. Brad Miller:

about your background, your story,

Dr. Brad Miller:

which what the steps were things that

Dr. Brad Miller:

you went through this led you

Dr. Brad Miller:

eventually to doing what you're doing now.

Unknown Speaker:

Wow. Okay, that's a mouthful. So and I

A. Garcia:

know we're limited on time. So here we go.

A. Garcia:

Okay. So about 18 months ago, I was in a

A. Garcia:

motor vehicle accident, that gave me a 1%

A. Garcia:

chance of surviving. And that was the

A. Garcia:

first time in my life that I felt as if it wasn't

A. Garcia:

me fighting for my life, that it was a higher

A. Garcia:

power fighting for me. And while I was in

A. Garcia:

ICU, while I was undergoing multiple back to

A. Garcia:

back surgeries, some which were deemed

A. Garcia:

immediate and urgent, I realized that my

A. Garcia:

life was being saved to share what post

A. Garcia:

traumatic growth is PT, G, I believe that

A. Garcia:

everybody knows what PTSD is. And we all

A. Garcia:

hear about the effects that it has on us

A. Garcia:

mentally, physically, emotionally, and sometimes

A. Garcia:

financially. And not enough people are aware

A. Garcia:

of PTG, post-traumatic growth. And

A. Garcia:

it's relatively new. It's been around since

A. Garcia:

the early 1990s. It was actually discovered

A. Garcia:

by two psychologists, Dr. Todutchy and

A. Garcia:

Dr. Calhoun. And in laymen's terms, post

A. Garcia:

traumatic growth is when you go through

A. Garcia:

something. So mentally devastating,

A. Garcia:

that over a period of time, you're able

A. Garcia:

to seek out what what the silver lining

A. Garcia:

is basically, where you became wiser,

A. Garcia:

where you became stronger from that

A. Garcia:

situation from that experience, and then

A. Garcia:

what you're doing with it to heal yourself.

A. Garcia:

And if you choose to use that, to help educate

A. Garcia:

others to help heal them as well, what I've

A. Garcia:

learned about trauma is that we all have a,

A. Garcia:

a sense or an experience of it, and from it,

A. Garcia:

it all impacts us differently. But the one thing

A. Garcia:

that brings us together is learning how to

A. Garcia:

and sharing how to level up our coping skills, right?

A. Garcia:

Because my whole thing is, you can move

A. Garcia:

a million times, but you live in your

A. Garcia:

head no matter where you go.

Dr. Brad Miller:

Absolutely. And this, this is just one of a

Dr. Brad Miller:

number of traumatic experiences that

Dr. Brad Miller:

you've had this automobile accident. And

Dr. Brad Miller:

you mentioned there, and there's been a

Dr. Brad Miller:

lot of research about this show. Some of

Dr. Brad Miller:

it about when you have a traumatic

Dr. Brad Miller:

experience, or use a kind of extremely

Dr. Brad Miller:

vivid example, people going through a

Dr. Brad Miller:

war experience, you know, have they

Dr. Brad Miller:

gone through trouble where I used to pastor,

Dr. Brad Miller:

a gentleman who went through World

Dr. Brad Miller:

War Two and was injured was shot about

Dr. Brad Miller:

11 times. And, you know, got through it, he

Dr. Brad Miller:

had gone through it, and it made him a better,

Dr. Brad Miller:

amazing man. And so you're sharing

Dr. Brad Miller:

hears about this experience that you had

Dr. Brad Miller:

through this accident. And yet some

Dr. Brad Miller:

other things happened to you as well, that

Dr. Brad Miller:

were impacting here. And, and things happen.

Dr. Brad Miller:

Everybody don't do more than more than

Dr. Brad Miller:

one thing. And so tell us a bit about a little d

Dr. Brad Miller:

deeper in your experience, and also

Dr. Brad Miller:

about what are some of the actions that

Dr. Brad Miller:

you took you took in order to start to

Dr. Brad Miller:

break out of these things?

A. Garcia:

Yes, definitely. So yes, about 20 years ago,

A. Garcia:

I was dating a gentleman and I was in my

A. Garcia:

mid 20s. I had everything going for myself.

A. Garcia:

I had a good job. I was in school for my

A. Garcia:

Bachelor's, I had a seven year old daughter

A. Garcia:

who went to school right across the street

A. Garcia:

from where we lived, and there was an

A. Garcia:

opportunity to move across country. And

A. Garcia:

so we did and while I was unpacking and

A. Garcia:

getting settled into our new home across

A. Garcia:

the country, mind you he had went before

A. Garcia:

I did because it was his job. So while

A. Garcia:

he was getting acclimated and settled, I was

A. Garcia:

busy packing and you know, shutting down

A. Garcia:

my site to be on my way. And while I was

A. Garcia:

unpacking and putting things away, I came

A. Garcia:

across belongings of another woman in

A. Garcia:

complete disbelief. I immediately was making

A. Garcia:

assumptions and had to call myself down.

A. Garcia:

And I didn't even want to make the phone

A. Garcia:

call to ask. Because I felt like I would be

A. Garcia:

assuming opposed to asking. So I, you know,

A. Garcia:

took that day because this was discovered

A. Garcia:

early on in the day to day to act as normal,

A. Garcia:

picked up my daughter from school, made

A. Garcia:

dinner, did homework, shut down the kitchen,

A. Garcia:

all that stuff, put her to bed and then

A. Garcia:

sat down and had the conversation with him.

A. Garcia:

And you know, my initial approach was

A. Garcia:

very clear. Hey, while I was unpacking, putting

A. Garcia:

stuff away, I came across the remnants of

A. Garcia:

another female. I don't recall you telling me

A. Garcia:

you had family or friends. So can you tell

A. Garcia:

me what's going on? I was met with the

A. Garcia:

accusation of, you know, Oh, you were

A. Garcia:

going through my stuff. I said, No, I was not

A. Garcia:

going through your personal belongings

A. Garcia:

I'm unpacking getting settled in, so we

A. Garcia:

can be prepared for our new baby, which

A. Garcia:

is doing one month before I can even.

A. Garcia:

So before I could even finish repeating

A. Garcia:

myself, he had already struck me down

A. Garcia:

to the floor, we were on the couch, he has

A. Garcia:

dragged me down to the floor. His left hand

A. Garcia:

was around my neck while he was straddling

A. Garcia:

my pregnant stomach and close fist punching

A. Garcia:

me over and over to the head.

Dr. Brad Miller:

Just to pause for a second here, this was

Dr. Brad Miller:

not a previous pattern, you hadn't

Dr. Brad Miller:

had violence prior to this?

Unknown Speaker:

Correct. Not from him, not from him. Okay,

A. Garcia:

there was nothing that gave me a red flag.

A. Garcia:

And to just give you a little bit of background,

A. Garcia:

you know, I come from a terrible neighborhood

A. Garcia:

in the city of Chicago for years and decades,

A. Garcia:

it's been, you know, murder capital for a long time,

A. Garcia:

and I came from the heart of the city.

A. Garcia:

And so violence was around me all the time,

A. Garcia:

I was in a teenage violence, dating violence

A. Garcia:

relationship as well. And my vile was to

A. Garcia:

not be in that again. So for me being in

A. Garcia:

my you know, mid later 20s, I felt that

A. Garcia:

I would be able to sniff it out, you know,

A. Garcia:

recognize anything that had a remote

A. Garcia:

correlation to violence. And in this particular

A. Garcia:

situation, there was none.

Dr. Brad Miller:

Until this moment.

Unknown Speaker:

So I hear my, my daughter's voice at the

A. Garcia:

top of the stairs, mom, mom are scared

A. Garcia:

that I never heard before in my life. And my

A. Garcia:

brain registered that in less than half a second.

A. Garcia:

And I clearly remember saying, that's my

A. Garcia:

daughter, and my feet slammed on the floor,

A. Garcia:

and my hips are thrusted to the ceiling,

A. Garcia:

my neck is used as a kickstand, he rolls over

A. Garcia:

the top of me, I don't know how in the world,

A. Garcia:

I popped up on my feet. By the time I got

A. Garcia:

around the couch, her little foot was taking

A. Garcia:

the last step off that stair, I grabbed her

A. Garcia:

hand and barefoot in pajamas, we ran out

A. Garcia:

of the door, just like that to the next available

A. Garcia:

door that had a light on that I can, you know,

A. Garcia:

knock on and ask to use their phone. So in

A. Garcia:

a matter of 15 minutes, the entire life I had

A. Garcia:

just given up the school, I left the job, I left

A. Garcia:

the school that I transferred my daughter out

Dr. Brad Miller:

So just to our audits where they do have a

Dr. Brad Miller:

high level of trauma, and you had to process

Dr. Brad Miller:

it very quickly, didn't you? You had to deal with?

A. Garcia:

of my friends, my support system, everything,

A. Garcia:

everything that I left, and I'm now in this new

A. Garcia:

space that I know nobody, no friends, no family,

A. Garcia:

I was only there for about three weeks.

A. Garcia:

And that was more so of getting you know

A. Garcia:

my daughter into her new routine into her

A. Garcia:

new school learning what doctors I'm going

A. Garcia:

to, you know, see and all that kind of stuff. So

Dr. Brad Miller:

We hit the pause me, they just say just for

Dr. Brad Miller:

our audience to hear the amount of trauma

Dr. Brad Miller:

you had going on right here in this moment.

Dr. Brad Miller:

You had moving across the country,

Dr. Brad Miller:

you were previously a single mom of a seven

Dr. Brad Miller:

year old, you're in a new relationship.

Dr. Brad Miller:

You're moving out of the familiar territory

Dr. Brad Miller:

to unfamiliar territory, and then all sudden

Dr. Brad Miller:

you have unexpected violence and you've

Dr. Brad Miller:

come from violence. And then you mentioned

Dr. Brad Miller:

about a car exit earlier, you have had

Dr. Brad Miller:

some of the highest levels of stressors that

Dr. Brad Miller:

people have, I think, you know, you're

Dr. Brad Miller:

aware about that. I'm just saying that

Dr. Brad Miller:

and you're pregnant. So all that's going on.

Unknown Speaker:

Oh, yeah, I mean, there was no logic. It was

A. Garcia:

just an responding. It was instinctive response.

A. Garcia:

Okay, too, because I had to, as my daughter's

A. Garcia:

voice is what triggered my reaction. I know

A. Garcia:

that I was squirming and making noise and

A. Garcia:

trying to do something, but it wasn't until I

A. Garcia:

heard my daughter scared voice that way.

A. Garcia:

Everybody, just the adrenaline was like, woof,

A. Garcia:

through my body. And I just reacted. I mean,

Dr. Brad Miller:

when it protected maternal mode there

Dr. Brad Miller:

among other things and went at it, you know?

Unknown Speaker:

Oh yeah. 100% And so, you know, obviously

A. Garcia:

sleeping that night was not a thing, you know,

A. Garcia:

the police did show up, they did see all

A. Garcia:

the blood blisters behind my ear, he was

A. Garcia:

punching me in my head, not in my face.

A. Garcia:

If he was punching me in my face, I probably

A. Garcia:

would have had broken bones in my face

A. Garcia:

based on the welts and the purple blood

A. Garcia:

blisters I had behind my ear and on my

A. Garcia:

head, I knew I couldn't go to the emergency

A. Garcia:

room right away. Because I kept thinking

A. Garcia:

about my, you know, my seven year old

A. Garcia:

I wanted her to just be like, feel safe, not

A. Garcia:

have her exposed to all of what was going

A. Garcia:

on. In my eyes. She was she's, she's a little girl,

A. Garcia:

as far removed as I can keep her and like

A. Garcia:

possibly keep her is my main goal. So I

A. Garcia:

did not know what the laws were in the

A. Garcia:

new state, I had no idea. When the police

A. Garcia:

showed up, they took the pictures, they

A. Garcia:

ended up arresting him. I tried to call shelters,

A. Garcia:

I tried to see if there was somewhere or

A. Garcia:

someplace that you know, we could go for

A. Garcia:

the night. And there really is no such thing

A. Garcia:

as a immediate help. So I did not want to

A. Garcia:

go to the emergency room. I wasn't going

A. Garcia:

to drag my daughter through all of that

A. Garcia:

and then have her hear the stories that

A. Garcia:

I'm sharing with the doctors while she's

A. Garcia:

looking at her mother pregnant not knowing

A. Garcia:

if her unborn child is okay, you know her

A. Garcia:

baby something like just too much for her.

A. Garcia:

So I ended up going back to my apartment

A. Garcia:

because I knew he had you know, was arrested

A. Garcia:

and he had been taken away. So I just you

A. Garcia:

know, barricaded the door told her you know,

A. Garcia:

we had a secret word that if she heard me

A. Garcia:

screaming at the top of my lungs to jump

A. Garcia:

out the window, jump on the patio go to the

A. Garcia:

same door that we knocked on, like,

A. Garcia:

I literally had an escape plan for her.

A. Garcia:

And the crazy thing is she was

A. Garcia:

like, okay, Mom, let's do it.

Dr. Brad Miller:

Gotta do it. Gotta do what you got it.

A. Garcia:

Yeah, you know, as a thank God.

Dr. Brad Miller:

So you got so what did you do in that situation?

Dr. Brad Miller:

And what were some of the things lessons

Dr. Brad Miller:

you've learned about? You know, a lot of

Dr. Brad Miller:

people get stuck. A lot of people get stuck

Dr. Brad Miller:

in whatever they're doing, you know, they

Dr. Brad Miller:

stay in those type of relationships, or they

Dr. Brad Miller:

stay in a bad place. And you've now

Dr. Brad Miller:

taken some actions to start to break

Dr. Brad Miller:

out of this pattern. What did you do to

Dr. Brad Miller:

get out of that situation for instance?

Unknown Speaker:

Well, I testified, I testified, you know, my

A. Garcia:

childhood, my background is violence,

A. Garcia:

you know, from, like I said, teenage dating

A. Garcia:

to the neighborhood I grew up in with the

A. Garcia:

gangbangers on every corner, having to walk

A. Garcia:

through a metal detector just to go to school

A. Garcia:

every day. You know, my mother abandoned

A. Garcia:

me when I was two years old, because

A. Garcia:

the toxic environment that she was in

A. Garcia:

was too much for her to handle. But yet

A. Garcia:

and still, she didn't take me with she left

A. Garcia:

me there. So she left the environment she

A. Garcia:

couldn't handle and I was stuck in that. So

A. Garcia:

I've been exposed to this type of stuff all

A. Garcia:

my life, which was why I broke that chain.

A. Garcia:

In my early or my late teenage years. Because

A. Garcia:

of my first child, I was not going to raise

A. Garcia:

her bring her in the same environment.

Dr. Brad Miller:

That was your motivation to break the pattern.

A. Garcia:

That's right, both times. So my my oldest,

A. Garcia:

okay, she helped me break that pattern of

A. Garcia:

violence when I was teenager, and I had

A. Garcia:

zero tolerance, since it's the day she was

A. Garcia:

born. And I was not a part of my life.

A. Garcia:

So in my later 20s When I did meet this

A. Garcia:

gentleman, and we did have a relationship

A. Garcia:

for some time, I didn't see anything,

A. Garcia:

I was not a recipient of anything. But I

A. Garcia:

later learned that narcissism narcissistic

A. Garcia:

behaviors isn't something that you can see

A. Garcia:

or smell or really have the red flags in the

A. Garcia:

in the beginning or through the process

A. Garcia:

if that wasn't a part of it. If that wasn't

A. Garcia:

an experience you had previously

Dr. Brad Miller:

Well, narcissists are by their nature by

Dr. Brad Miller:

the disorder are free mere manipulators.

A. Garcia:

Yep, so understanding the power and

A. Garcia:

control wheel. I had zero finances I

A. Garcia:

voluntarily left my job. I had zero friends

A. Garcia:

I left them all behind over 1000 miles I

A. Garcia:

moved my family which you know, I'm

A. Garcia:

an only child so I don't really have much

A. Garcia:

a family, no cousins, no, nothing. My friends

A. Garcia:

are my family. But still, I left every single thing

A. Garcia:

that I built my entire life. Sure. And was

A. Garcia:

and then found myself with nothing. So

A. Garcia:

you know, immediate help. Again, I'm

A. Garcia:

saying you know, food, finances, shelter.

A. Garcia:

Things that are needed right away are not

A. Garcia:

particularly available for real time victims.

A. Garcia:

So what what I what I've gone through

A. Garcia:

what I've went through, I'll say Like from

A. Garcia:

that night for, you know, the first couple

A. Garcia:

of days, sleepless nights that is, you know,

A. Garcia:

I conducted so much research, I was in prayer,

A. Garcia:

of course asking why, how it was so many,

A. Garcia:

like questions and doubts and this this, like,

A. Garcia:

anxiety that I couldn't get off of me, I just,

A. Garcia:

I just felt so stupid. And I was ashamed. And

A. Garcia:

there was, I was I couldn't go back, I

A. Garcia:

was deemed high risk, and what would

A. Garcia:

I go back for to be embarrassed? You

A. Garcia:

know, I mean, there's a lot of stigma

A. Garcia:

that comes behind that. Because also, you

A. Garcia:

know, the way that your some of us are

A. Garcia:

raised is, well, you made your bed, you lie

A. Garcia:

in it, those were your decisions, you figure it

A. Garcia:

out. And unfortunately, that is my reality,

A. Garcia:

because I don't have you know, family that

A. Garcia:

or, you know, parents that I can call and say,

A. Garcia:

I need to come home, there is no such thing.

Dr. Brad Miller:

So you had to figure it out, unfortunately, or

Dr. Brad Miller:

the circumstances were such, and you decided

Dr. Brad Miller:

to not go bad with your circumstances. So I

Dr. Brad Miller:

mean, you've got your period of time, your

Dr. Brad Miller:

wilderness experiences are what I like to call it,

Dr. Brad Miller:

oftentimes, you had to go through this painful

Dr. Brad Miller:

time. But you chose not to stay there. And you

Dr. Brad Miller:

know, a that there's a lot of people, a lot of

Dr. Brad Miller:

women, particularly in similar circumstances

Dr. Brad Miller:

that you've described, who remain in that

Dr. Brad Miller:

cycle remain stuck in that cycle of trauma

Dr. Brad Miller:

and drama and domestic violence, and you

Dr. Brad Miller:

get out of it. And so you've already mentioned

Dr. Brad Miller:

you had your your crisis moments, you know,

Dr. Brad Miller:

food and shelter and caring for your child and

Dr. Brad Miller:

children. And yet, here you are, being an

Dr. Brad Miller:

advocate for people in domestic violence.

Dr. Brad Miller:

And there is more to you than what we're

Dr. Brad Miller:

talking about here. The crisis management,

Dr. Brad Miller:

I mean, crisis management, I mean, everybody

Dr. Brad Miller:

goes through survival mode, right? But you've

Dr. Brad Miller:

done more than that. You have broken through

Dr. Brad Miller:

to do some other things. Give me at least one

Dr. Brad Miller:

thing that you've done to break that pattern

Dr. Brad Miller:

for you to sustain it to be a contributor now,

Dr. Brad Miller:

not just a consumer of the of the resources.